Letter to my daughter

Raising a child in the age of Trump.

Today’s parents face challenges I couldn’t foresee back in 1992.

Shock, anger, exhaustion, grief – I’ve cycled through all of these since the election, along with everyone I know. Understanding what happened and how to go forward will take time. For now, we’re holding each other close and collectively holding on.

I don’t regret my weeks of canvassing in Pennsylvania. Not at all! While we lost the White House and many down-ballot races, the margins were slim. Each thoughtful conversation with a voter, and there were many, felt like a small reason for hope.

Election postmortems are coming thick and fast, and I’m not going to add to them. (I recommend this roundup by Waleed Shahid.) Instead, I’m pausing to turn inward and find some peace and even joy. And what could be more joyous than looking toward the arrival of a grandson in March?

My daughter, who lives with her husband in Toronto, is eying the coming upheaval in her life with excitement and some trepidation. Occasional questions have come my way. (“But what does the baby do all day?”) My childrearing tips are decades out of date, and she’ll get better help from other millennial parents. Of course, that doesn’t stop me. I recently wrote up some thoughts in the form of a letter, which I offer as a glimpse of light in our post-election gloom.

Dear Cynthia,

All new parents find themselves short on sleep. What’s not in short supply is advice – most of it unsolicited, some of it misguided, from grandparents, aunties, friends, neighbors, and strangers who accost you in the supermarket.

But, you asked! And I am happy to respond.

Keep in mind the limits of my perspective. Bill and I raised you in a different place and time. There was no social media in the early 1990s, and digital technologies hadn’t yet infiltrated every aspect of our lives. Gun violence existed, but the Columbine massacre, which launched the era of mass school shootings, lay in the future. Parents didn’t yet fear sending their children to school.

You’ll be raising your son in Canada, which differs from the United States in important ways. Canada has fewer guns and stronger gun regulations than the US – indeed, stronger regulations in many spheres of life. The social safety net is robust: 18 months of parental leave, I can’t even imagine it! The Canadian political spectrum includes conservative parties and politicians, and a right wing exists, with ties to the US far right. But its influence is limited, and the undercurrent of violence that marks the United States under Trump is not widely felt in Canada.

So my views on childrearing are shaped by my experience, which will differ from yours. Still, there are certain core principles that I think hold true.

Cynthia tries out an early laptop computer, with coaching from her older half-brother Sam. In 1991, home computers were just coming into use, and social media was barely visible on the horizon.

Control tech

I applaud your intention to limit screens. Society is just starting to understand the ways in which social media and texting can harm some children and teens. Of course, your son will need to learn advanced digital skills, but for a 2025 baby that should happen naturally. As he matures, your ability to control his media consumption and communications with peers will lessen. But you can do much in the early years to shape his habits and expectations.

To reduce screen time, look for toys that engage him intellectually, creatively, and physically, that foster curiosity and kindness. A mechanical toy that squawks when you press a button will hold a young toddler’s attention for about 30 seconds. But a few saucepans from your kitchen are endlessly entertaining. He can fill them with objects and dump them out on the floor. He can nest the saucepans or try to stack them. He can bang them together, getting on his parents’ nerves. Fun!

Wooden blocks; wooden puzzles; Tinkertoys and Lincoln Logs; fingerpaints, tempera paints, crayons, sidewalk chalk; Play-Doh or homemade modeling clay; little people and animals (remember the Weeble Farm?); a dollhouse with dolls and furniture, yes, for a boy; wooden trains and tracks; a wagon; a tricycle – all are low-tech, tried and true.

Read to him

Perhaps the most powerful antidote to social media is books. Start reading to him early. A six-month-old baby can listen to the words and focus his eyes on the pictures as you point to them. Reading to your child builds his language skills, exposes him to ideas, and widens his world.

It also creates closeness between you. The last book I ever read aloud to you was Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle. You were 11 years old – quite capable of reading to yourself – and the date was September 11, 2001. When the world came crashing down around us, we curled up on your top bunk, and you asked for the one thing that had always meant love, safety, and security: read to me.

Cynthia and brother Sam celebrate her sixth birthday.

Avoid the kiddie rat race

We sent you to public schools, and it was the right choice. But even those schools were test-driven and competitive. Along with praise for your achievements came pressure – from the schools, from us (however unwittingly), and above all from yourself – to do everything perfectly. I didn’t understand until later how much stress this placed on you, how exhausted you became. I don’t know if Canadian schools differ from US schools in this respect, but I hope so.

Be sparing with your criticism – children are extremely sensitive to it – but also with your praise. Kids don’t need a participation trophy for everything. Encourage your son to do activities he enjoys but doesn’t excel at, so he can see that failing sometimes is fine because nobody succeeds at everything all the time.

Cynthia shows me a tiny snake on a mother-daughter hiking trip in 2012. She introduced me to birding, too.

Immerse him in nature

To escape the achievement treadmill, head for the woods. Your time at nature study camp, nestled in a West Virginia wildlife sanctuary, calmed you. It also helped set your life’s direction as a hiker, birder, and veterinarian. So take your son outdoors and teach him to love and respect the natural world. Amaze him with birds and animals, forests and mountains, lakes, the ocean. He’ll be growing up in a time of unprecedented climate peril, with a climate change denier occupying the most powerful office on Earth. Youth are leading the way in climate action. But action has to be grounded in values, and those values are learned early.

Teach kindness

So, you’re having a boy. Perhaps that seems a bit intimidating right now. As women, you and I might assume we’d have an easier time raising a girl. What do we know about how to be a boy? Fortunately, your son has a dad who has some knowledge in that regard.

The concept of masculinity has become distorted under Trump. He models the worst of male behavior: arrogant, domineering, misogynistic. That’s all the more reason that those of us who hold different ideals of manhood should bring boys into the world. Expect your son to do simple chores at home from an early age. Insist that he treat everyone with respect, including – especially – girls and women, and people of other races and nationalities. Encourage him to recognize and respond to emotions in himself and others, because that’s how empathy begins. Teach him to be gentle with younger children and animals, beginning, of course, with your three cats!

All my advice is based on hindsight. I didn’t necessarily follow it at the time. I blundered my way through parenting, as parents do, and hoped for the best. You’ll figure it out as you go along. And you will do just fine.

Love,
Mom

Parents-to-be Glenn and Cynthia, with the Toronto skyline in the background.