When I launched this blog, I began with the conceit – so common to writers! – that I had something to say to people that they would want to read. It didn’t take long to figure out I had it backward. I do have things to say. But even more important turns out to be what readers have to say to me.
I realized this when friends’ responses to the blog announcement began landing in my inbox. Their comments, all thoughtful and a few poignant, raised aspects of the third age I hadn’t considered. I knew that activism would be a theme, along with volunteer work and second careers. And I know that these activities are likely to be curtailed eventually by health issues, our own or those of family members. What I didn’t fully realize was that many women my age are already involved in caregiving. I know women caring for elderly parents, for grandchildren, for spouses, for ex-spouses. Several friends have faced serious health issues themselves. Whether we’re talking about caregiving or self-care, for most of us, the question is not if, but when.
Or how about this: you could be assisting a parent with cognitive decline and helping to raise three grandchildren, including a first-grader and newborn twins. Meet my friend Jennifer. We chatted recently over Zoom (the conversation has been lightly edited for length and flow).
CATHY: We go way back, you and I. Our dads were college classmates and they’re now both 97, so they’ve been friends for almost 80 years. And both widowed now. How’s your dad doing?
JENNIFER: Oh, he’s doing remarkably well. He’s in a memory unit because he has dementia, but all in all, he’s pretty healthy. He developed dementia after my mom died, when he was 91. And the doctor looked at me and said, okay, now it’s time to write his bills for him. And he had a couple of fender-benders. He loves to drive, but he said to my brother, I guess I shouldn’t drive anymore. So I’ve taken on most of that. I visit him maybe three times a week, or I take him somewhere, and I talk to him every couple of days. It’s a lot, because I feel a sense of responsibility for him. But I can’t complain because he’s so pleasant and always nice to everybody.
CATHY: So his dementia has never manifested in personality changes that are difficult to deal with?
JENNIFER: No. The one thing that has shown up is what they call sundowning. I’ve gone to see him when it’s just gotten dark, and those are the times he’s likely to be more confused. And my default mode then is that I talk about poetry. My father was an English teacher, so he knows many poems by heart, Shakespeare sonnets, Shakespeare soliloquies. Because that’s long-term memory. Sometimes he gets panicky – what’s going on, why am I here? And I say, Dad, let’s do a poem! And he recites a poem and starts talking about what it means. And I’m learning something from this, you know?
CATHY: I’ve heard him, and it’s amazing. I’m not a poetry person, but when he recites a poem, wow. Now I can see why this poem moves people. But I don’t recognize it until I hear him.
JENNIFER: When I drove him to Maine, for the first half hour, he kept saying, where are we going? Who’s going to be there? And we go over that 20 times and I’m thinking, this is going to get old by the end of the day. So I say, how about we do Hamlet, Dad? Let’s start with act 1, scene 1. And he goes, oh, yes, and he starts reciting it. He tells me what’s happening in the play, why this or that is significant. And I’m thinking, he goes from being this bumbling old guy who doesn’t know what’s going on to being able to enlighten me about something. He gets animated and he’s really funny.
CATHY: He is funny.
JENNIFER: Right? And then he has his one martini a day and he says, you don’t think I’m an alcoholic, do you? I’m like, no, Dad, you’re not an alcoholic. One martini a day – you’re not an alcoholic. It’s fine.
CATHY: So tell me about the grandchildren.
JENNIFER: Well, my daughter had a baby with a boyfriend and she dropped out of college because of that. And he’s no longer in the picture, unfortunately. Now she’s married to another guy and they had twins in September. They have a six-year-old and two babies and they don’t have enough income. So my ex and I, we both went, okay, this is the situation. We will help as best we can, but we also expect them to step up and get responsible as parents, right? But that’s not a simple thing. I’ve decided to make the bond with my granddaughter a priority. Her mom’s life is pretty chaotic, so I’m a steady presence, and I just made that commitment. I have her three nights a week now, and I take her to school. So I have to have, you know, a boundary there.
And I have my own work to do, my inner work as an elder. I’m going to be 70 in January. What does it mean to be in our 60s and 70s in a society that tends to put older people aside as though we’re not too with it and we’re technologically challenged?
CATHY: And a society that devalues caregiving. I mean, look at what hired caregivers are paid, you know? They’re often people who can’t get other jobs and they make the lowest wages.
JENNIFER: Dealing with the fact that I have this responsibility for my dad and for my daughter’s children, it’s like I’m doing a dance. I do one thing and it doesn’t work and so I pivot and say, okay, let me try this. Or let me say no and have a limit. Or say to my brothers, I need you to step up.
CATHY: I think of you as a sun around which multiple planets are revolving.
JENNIFER: Yeah.
CATHY: There are four generations here whose needs you have to meet. Your parent, yourself, your daughter and then the grandchildren.
JENNIFER: Right. It’s a constant balancing, making sure that I’m taking care of myself and having a life and then choosing, by my values, to do these different things.
CATHY: Are you still working for pay?
JENNIFER: I do work. I’m an acupuncturist in private practice. But I also have a house and I’ve been renting through Airbnb. So I’ve pieced it together over the last few years to feel more stable myself.
CATHY: It’s hard for me to imagine doing caregiving with very few resources, I mean, to the point where one is struggling to make rent and buy food and medicine. But we know that’s the reality for many people and it’s a reality that’s increasing, given the aging of the population. All of us baby boomers, we may be caregivers now, but it’s not going to be long before we need care ourselves.
I want to ask about the emotional side of this. As we both know, being mothers, caring for children is demanding and it goes on for years. And caring for elders may be long or short, but it’s accompanied by a certain sadness because you may have to see the person decline, whether physically or mentally, and you know what the ultimate outcome will be. So there’s a lot to deal with. And then if you yourself are still in good health, there might be some other things you’d like to be doing if you weren’t constrained by all these responsibilities. Given all that, how do you find acceptance and satisfaction and even joy?
JENNIFER: I greatly relish my times with my granddaughter. I love the joy of seeing kids run around in the park. And I’m out there, too, getting a little exercise. So this is my way. It’s incorporating my values and I’m choosing to do this and seeing it as valuable for me, for my granddaughter.
I have a fundamental attitude toward my life that whatever’s happening, I need to be thoughtful and reflective and see it as an opportunity. Now, it’s easy to say that as a principle, but not always easy to do it. I can be available too much and then I have to say, you know what? I can’t. I’m sorry. I can’t do that. I can’t pay for this. I can’t take the kids right now. So my job is to be very loving and very clear in my boundaries.
At the other end of life, you mention the sadness of losing the older person eventually. That is true, but since we are a death-denying culture it’s good to reflect on the way the person is traversing these later years. To stand back and reflect on their life or tap into something that is important to them, even old favorite songs and so forth, can be powerful. My father is a great model. And it is actually a privilege to be part of that process.
I get overwhelmed, yes, and I do feel like there’s other things I want to do. I’m writing a book, and I’ve had very little time over the last six months to work on it. It’s about coming of age as elders. But I’m so much in this experience right now that it’s hard to write about it with any perspective. So I keep writing notes and occasional blog posts. And I keep reading memoirs because I find them really interesting.
CATHY: When I sent out the blog announcement and got replies, I was surprised by the number of people who mentioned writing as a way of dealing with the past.
JENNIFER: I think writing can be a powerful tool for self-understanding. I feel like it’s important to keep grappling with things in my life, even as I’m doing caretaking of the older and younger generations. Writing about it does help sort it out. It helps to understand it.
Cathy. This is wonderful. You ask such good questions. And, of course, the comfort of your relationship may have added to the authenticity of this. I am animated by the issues raised without being a Pollyanna and without falling into the dark abyss. It feels so - "to be continued..." And I am engaged by the idea a of Third Age writing group. Anyway, thank you.
I have a daughter in her 50's who has one of her daughters living with her and have forwarded your wonderful blog to her.